E-mail Proposal

I keep expecting something to show up, but I don’t know what I am looking for! Wait, yes I do… Secretly I am waiting for a proposal of deep abiding love from a past boyfriend who suddenly realized that he could not be happy without worshiping me, really.

His just wants to cook for me, entertain me, and give me all of his attention: listening for hours and sharing the depths of his soul with me. He suddenly realized that I complete him!

But truth be told, I am like a praying mantas. I can’t help but want to entice and capture one’s heart. And then I get sick of it. I am really trying hard to go against my nature and be nice. Because as you know, I do love to be loved!

But really, where is that e-mail, I know it’s coming!

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Ladies, The real problem with Spanks!

Beware: wearing spanks makes you gain weight, not go to the gym, and dependent on ever more pairs of spanks! DON’T DO IT!

Ok, I love spanks, if I wear two pairs of spanks, I look like I lost 7 pounds, and I look like I work out at the gym 7 days a week!

But I feel thinner too, so I am eating more– letting myself eat all the stuff I don’t eat when I am feeling fat!

So Beware: wearing spanks makes you gain weight, not go to the gym, and dependent on ever more pairs of spanks! DON’T DO IT!

Perfect weight loss solution: wear PJ’s! They make you feel fat, out of shape. So you have to go work out, you have to go jogging in the morning, and you choose watermelon over those naughty carbs!

Choosing bliss in a Milkshake

Sometimes a chocolate milkshake is the answer to all problems– with just one sip (ok, half of it downed as quickly as I can) the most pleasurable sense of ease and tranquility washes over me, and all stress dissipates.

Bliss in a Milkshake

Unless, of course, 10 minutes later you throw it up– Umm, that’s called adding more stress.

Yes! Of course I would be the one who tried that technique and liked it a little too much! It was too temping, enjoy delicious calories without the consequence of fat thighs! A dream come true! No one told me it could spiral into a problem, I lacked the foresight to see that one coming too!

You may be one who didn’t fall into the trap of fancying an eating disorder, you let yourself indulge and not feel guilty!

I’m there!

Really, I swear!

Going too Green

Have any of you made the mistake of going too green? Yea, well, of course I did!

I had this romantic notion (not sure how it seemed romantic at the time) of living so simply that It would be like camping! In my thoughts, it was all whicker baskets, Anastasia inspired, living one with the earth dream! I thought that fairies would be really proud of me, all of them really, the gnomes, elves, you name it, they would be singing my praises!

Uh, no. That didn’t happen. I lasted a month living in a Winnebago. Not just a winnebago, but I actually gutted it out, so that it was more camp-style. You know, more true to the ideal, with no modern convenience…. At the time I thought the only REAL problem was I wasn’t in a forest, next to a babbling brook, I was on an L.A. street.

Yea, I moved home.

Delete that part of my life!

Let’s not try this over again.

Boyfriends, why they haven’t worked so far…

I jump in too quickly, all fours, I love the intoxication of love, it is stronger than any wine, or drug, it soars you to the heavens, but then when you realize he doesn’t love you back, oh the fall is quick, the pain is fast, and then you rise with slump shoulders and wonder, when will the right one come along?

So I am weaning myself off of the love intoxicating energy of dating. Not worth the drop. I would much rather now camp with my cynicism, and fuel the thought: miracles will have to prove that he is the one. It helps. I am not envisioning our wedding or how we will raise our children at the first glance. Now I just say, No, I don’t think so, you and God will have to prove it!

It hasn’t improved my dating, or my Saturday nights, mind you, but it has kept me from falling into the quagmire of self-pity thoughts!

Social Graces

I used to want people to be real with me, tell me what they really thought, not try to follow social graces of being kind and courteous. That was when I was young and naive.

After a divorce, dating outside my ethnic group, and dealing with work politics, I am all about the social graces, let me tell you! It is an absolute courtesy on others’ part to be kind and courteous! Really, I don’t need to know what you really think. I am all about being ok with you sweeping it under the carpet, and giving me your best attempt at a smile! Please!

Of course, I’d love to have a cup of tea! and make as if all is perfect and lovely! No need to dig in others’ closets, trying to find what they are hiding. A lovely banter on the weather is much more my liking!

Dating

Have any of you ever dated someone because you felt sorry for them? Why do we do that to ourselves? Maybe I am the only one out there that does that.. Maybe a part of me inside feels good about helping this poor unfortunate soul, in pain, in need. But then I become the poor unfortunate soul, in pain! In need!!

It started when I was about 16. I went out to a party and was driven home by a boy. He gave me those “puppy dog eyes,” like he wanted a kiss, and I didn’t know what to do. So I said fine to myself, and gave him a kiss.

The next thing I know my mom is packing my bags and calling me a whore and ready to kick me out!

There was more truth to that than I thought at the time!!

My first boyfriend at 18 made me want to vomit!  I accidentally touched his knee, when he was trying to help me, he was an EMT and I was wasted- college!  So, I dated him anyway! Gross! And for a long time too! Girls whispered in my ear, you should date him, he drives a mustang. At the time I didn’t really know why that was important.

Now I do!

It’s better than dating someone who doesn’t have anything, you end up supporting him, and left with nothing!

Yes, that was my last boyfriend!

Yes, I am choosing to be quite choosy now. Unless you have all your ducks in a row, don’t bother even looking’!.